Comfortable, clompy shoes are making a serious comeback, and I am fist-pumping all the way to the damn bank because I love me some weird shoes that provide flawless comfort. The more Velcro and arch support, the better! (In my opinion, stilettos belong in one place, and that is the garbage.) From Birkenstocks and Doc Martens, Dansko and Aerosoles—these shoes aren’t just for your grandmother (who is expecting your call, by the way). These shoes are for the next millennium. I don’t want this to be a trend—I want this to be an AWAKENING. Plantar fasciitis who, you know? But, now, what shoes are more comfortable and weirder than Crocs? This is a rhetorical question. Crocs own all the relevant real estate when it comes to strange shoes that aren’t really sandals but still don’t require socks. They’re basically magic.
The good news is that there really is a Croc for everyone and every occasion—and, of course, every zodiac sign. I realize this sounds like an ad, but no one is paying me for my opinion on Crocs. They should, though. (My contact information is below.)
But for real, the amount of Crocs in this world is pretty impressive. Almost as impressive as the deep and intuitive science of astrology, which has a way of connecting even the silliest of things (shoes named after dangerous amphibians with rows upon rows of sharp teeth, for one) in a profound and satisfying way. ‘Cause Crocs are here, babies. And they may be here for a while. All we can do is tighten our straps and get ready to look like we’re about to traverse a hot theme park everyday for the rest of our lives. And burn your socks, because you won’t be needing them. They’re deadweight, and we’ve got a world to eat.
Here, each zodiac sign as its corresponding Crocs shoe (this is very important story, okay):
Aries are trail blazers, and these Crocs Chelsea boots look like they could do some serious damage—or, at least, the most amount of damage a Croc can cause. This boot is dynamic and energetic. And it’s water resistant, which is a dope feature that I appreciate. And you just know Aries would do some Serious Business in these hiking-style Crocs boots.
Taurus knows what they like, and these Crocs wedges are a big yes. First of all, it’s probably the most sensual style of Croc (wow, that is a sentence I did not think I would ever type), which fits Taurus’ flirty nature. But! It’s got comfort and security in the form of an ankle strap—and security and planning is also deeply important to Taurus. This is a shoe that someone can conquer the world in and look good in the subsequent IG pictures.
Gemini will use any opportunity to talk and communicate—and shoes are no exception. Who else other than a Gemini would try and communicate via words on shoes? Couple that with this seriously extra platform silhouette, and this is a match made in Croc-heaven. These fun-loving Crocs are the perfect fit for flashy Gemini.
Sweet Cancer, this Croc fits you like it was tailor-made. This tie-dye pattern is a lighter, pastel version that isn’t quite as aggressive and suits your bubbly and happy nature. This pattern is as imaginative as Cancer. You see, this Croc and you instantly feel at ease. This is a person who knows where the restrooms are and can be trusted to watch your sandwich at a café while you pee. This is a Croc that says, “I’m home.”
A metallic champagne clog with glitter detailing around the bottom? Oh, hell yeah. Of course, Leo would want something a little flashier—and this gold champagne Croc exceeds the mark. This Croc speaks of self-assuredness of the wearer. This is the Beyoncé of Crocs. The crown jewel. The best of the best. After all, Leo only strives for greatness.
A classy Croc for a classy sign. Virgo is probably the only sign that could get away with keeping a white shoe pristine for any length of time, so good for them on that front. The flower on top is a modest and meticulous detail that matches Virgo’s commitment to diligence and modest character.
This floral Croc clearly screams LIBRA with it’s pleasant floral pattern. The white background and classic style also pay homage to Libra’s love of adding a bit of flair and charisma to their look whenever possible. This looks like something a spunky kindergarten teacher would wear right after giving you a gold star for turning in your homework on time.
Hi, hello, these Crocs have flames on them, and I will never be the same. I saw these and gasped, “Guy Fieri.” I really hope he has a pair. Anyway, flame Crocs for fiery Scorpio is a combo that goes together like goat cheese and figs (read: not for everyone, but still a super good pairing). These Crocs make multiple statements. Like Scorpio, they inspire in me a deep passion for the ownership of clogs with flames on them.
Sagittarius is straight-forward and comfortable with their open heart and love of travel. And these sandals? Sagittarius can globe-trot in these sparkly bad boys without question or complaint. These sandals will go with just about anything, and their comfortable and clever design will speak to Sagittarius on a cellular level. There’s a pun in here somewhere about sole mates, but it’s not my job to do all the work. Find it for yourself.
Capricorn has high expectations for shoes. They gotta be cute, comfortable and be acceptable in the office, as well as on the go. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Honestly, these Croc mules are pretty lit. They’re cute, you know they’re comfy and they’re stylish in a way that makes you think their designers deserve a hefty raise. Capricorn would wear these with pride and inspire every other person in the office to get a pair.
Look at this shit. That flower on top? *Chefs kiss.* This is the perfect Croc for Aquarius, who is a deep lover of the natural world (which includes hella flowers). Like Aquarius, this Croc is stimulating and marches to the beat of its own drum. This shoe also speaks to Aquarius’s other tendency—rebellion. And it’s here to challenge your idea of what sort of greenery belongs on a shoe (i.e., any).
Okay, I know what you’re thinking: Pisces in leopard print? But hear me out—Pisces is a dreamy and romantic sign. And yet, they’re modest. Tolerant. Just all around lovely. And leopard print, I would like to remind you, is technically a neutral. What other print (besides leopard) is a neutral with attitude and can promote a sense of emotional depth? Not even paisley does it like leopard. So I stand by my claim: Pisces is a leopard Croc.
Tag yourself, tag your friends, but mostly, don’t forget to live by the holy Croc mantra: If you ain’t Crocin’, you ain’t rockin’.