It’s October, which means, unless you’re some sort of weirdo, you’re already on the hunt for some funny pumpkin carving ideas. It’s once again time to aggressively partake in all the ~spooky~ autumnal activities that you hope will drive away the 80 degree weather. And, of course, the peak activity among those is driving to a roped off square of unpaved dirt somewhere outside your nearest strip mall, picking up a hefty orange gourd, and sawing chunks out of it to then later display by candlelight on your front porch steps!
When it comes to carving pumpkins, you’ve got a few options. You could go basic with your Jack-o’, which might be a bit underwhelming, but would also be least likely to result in an embarrassing pumpkin failure your friends will mock you for. You could go skillful, but this isn’t really an option for me personally as it requires, you know, skill.
BUT. What if, instead, we got downright spooky with it? And not spooky like spiders and goblins, but spooky in the way that only ’90s kids understand? Ya know, crippling student debt, climate change crisis, applying for entry level jobs that require two doctorates and 30 years’ experience, that kind of thing. I would posit that 15 of the things Millennials go through before breakfast are spookier than a skeleton with, uh, a hook for a hand or a giant bat in a hockey mask, or whatever.
Let’s draw from all the horrifying things we specifically experience every day to really get into the spooky mood! Here are a few sources of our real-life, all-day horror show you could carve into your pumpkin this spooky szn to really strike fear into passersby. Maybe putting them on a gourd will make them less real? Fingers crossed.
What could be ~spooookier~ than an entire event where the underlying current is “How can you possibly be of use to me practically?” Send chills down the spines of trick-or-treaters with visions of strange adults you don’t know, asking you about your deepest ambitions while you try desperately to secure even one hors d’oeuvre.
Coworkers Finding Your Alt Twitter Account
It feels like an unassuming morning until your coworker Brian appears suddenly, like a cloud of bats, behind you. “Are you @FatAssDonkeyKong420?” he says ominously, and you know this is the end for you. Carve this into your pumpkin as a cautionary tale, warning passersby to lock down their shit.
Showing Your Crush’s Instagram to Your Friend On Your Own Phone
You didn’t realize the gravity of the mistake you’ve made until it was far too late. One ham-fisted move from Brenda and your life is ov- BRENDA DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ‘LIKE’ A POST FROM 2005? Somewhere, a crow screams.
The Looming Date of Getting Kicked Off Your Parents’ Insurance
This date creeps up on you slowly, like some sort of Babadook, symbolizing the end of any semblance of peace for potentially years to come. Have fun hoping that sharp pang in your side isn’t cancer until you land a job with benefits!
The Sudden Desire to Get Bangs
A sinister whisper drifts in on the chilly autumn breeze. “It’s time to shake things up,” the Bangs Banshee appears on your shoulder, plaintively calling to you. “You can totally pull them offff.” Listen at your peril.
Uber Driver Who Wants to Know A Lot About Your Personal Life
Try and imagine a fate more terrible than being trapped in a Subaru with an aspiring rapper who wants you to add him on Instagram while you’re in the car! Not even a full-blown Dracula could inspire such fear and dread as Dylan, who wants to know if you’re going out later maybe, and to which specific bars! No pair of noise-cancelling headphones can save you now!
Water Spot On Your Ceiling You Think Might Be Growing
You’re sure that brown spot was a bit smaller last week. Or maybe it’s just the walls closing in on you (spookily)? If you don’t tell anyone about it, will it just go away or will your deposit be ripped from your grasp by the fearsome, bloodstained claws of your landlord Mike?
Close Friend Being Distant Via Text
Have you inadvertently done something to upset them? Did they somehow find out what you said about them being a bit extra when you guys went out six weeks ago? Uncertainty claws at your heart like a wolf-man. Maybe they’re just busy or distracted or it’s an inherent failure of text communication? NO, there is definitely something wrong, and it’s all your fault! Now go express it via pumpkin!
Receiving Creative Feedback on a Personal Project
“I thought it was great,” begins your most trusted ally. Suddenly, a heavy mist rolls in. The clouds darken, and thunder rumbles in the distance. “But,” they hiss, transforming horrifyingly before your eyes into a gigantic critical ghoul. What happened to your friend, and who is this bone-chilling creature who thinks there are some things you can work on?
One Of Your Facebook Statuses From Middle School Resurfacing
They say there’s nothing as terrifying as your own shadow, or in this case, the shadow of a thirteen-year-old you who related far too much to the work of Pete Wentz. Why the fuck did you post several times a day for years, when the most interesting thing that would ever happen to you was “chilling at the mall?” What madness compelled you to put pen to digital paper and document the fact that you’re “really going through it” after the cancellation of Pushing Daisies? As long as these posts exist, you will never know inner peace, especially when once a year one of your friends will go and resurrect one of them from beyond the grave as a bit.
To be honest, I don’t even have a joke for this one, I’m just scared!