Listen, we’re living through a pandemic. There’s not much you can actually do for Halloween this year. Attend a standing-room-only party of friends who clearly outdid you with their costumes? Nope. Hit up a haunted pub and take shots of Witches Brew with moderately attractive strangers? Not recommended. But what you can do, dear reader, is perhaps something that has never crossed your worried mind. You can safely try mermaid hair extensions, and enjoy the altered frame of mind of one instantly transformed into their flirtiest maritime self.
This year, I’m advocating for not just a Halloween costume, but a mental vacation that you affix to your head. In these trying times, it makes sense to eschew a single-use costume in favor of fantabulous faux hair you can don again and again. Have an important first date over FaceTime? Pop in your mermaid extensions. Feel like less of a functional person and more of a wet cat? Extension time. Equivalent to those screensavers that show just a pair of legs (ostensibly yours) at the beach, mermaid extensions trick your mind. Suddenly, you’re no longer Pandemic You. You’re less salty, and more saltwater. And you like that you.
You may be thinking, what in tarnation are mermaid hair extensions? I didn’t know either. Despite my career as a beauty editor, I’ve never been interested in hair extensions before. Like any journalist of integrity, I typically sneer at blatant artifices, but quarantine has a way of softening your hard exterior and opening your mind to new (solitary, indoor) experiences. I decided to try Glam Seamless’ new Beach Wave Extensions, which include seven resplendent strips of perfectly-waved hair in various widths, that clip into your real hair at the root. Each strip varies in width from one inch to five, and most people won’t need all seven at once. Collectively, they turn you from a mere mortal into an ethereal sea creature, with an efficiency and conviction that might actually shock you.
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When I first applied the clip-in extensions to my slovenly quarantine mop, I felt hot. I’ll admit it. I took off on a walk around the park and thought, people, please, stop staring at my sun-dappled mane.
But when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a store window, I realized that I kinda resembled Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus. It’s true: Mermaid extensions also double as witch hair. With the right styling (which I didn’t do) mermaid extensions veer into spooky Sarah Sanderson-territory. Dress them up, dress them down, be a witch, be merfolk.
Mermaid hair is versatile.
2020 has already turned all the rules we previously observed–going to work, wearing real pants–on their heads. Why not buck your inner pragmatist and invest in mermaidry? The country is at a critical inflection point, the election is on Tuesday, but you, you have mermaid hair extensions in. Nothing says I’ll not be deterred like mermaid hair. Nothing will enrage mask evaders more than proving that even a person with mermaid hair extensions wears a mask. Heck, you could hit the polls and demonstrate even a person with mermaid hair extensions votes. Sure, I can think of 1,596 more fiscally-responsible initiatives. But none with the mental reset and self-care quotient of mermaid hair extensions. Mermaid hair: innocuous mayhem for a pandemic Halloween–and one bright spot on the maelstrom of 2020.