Have you ever wondered what home decor piece you are, based on your zodiac sign? Perfect. Because, as resident Purveyor of Knowledge, I can provide you with such valuable information with about 87% accuracy. (Those rising and moon signs, man. They can make things a little tricky.) But I digress.
I’ve been living on my own in this apartment for five months now, and I still sometimes look around and think, “Damn. I bought this, and I’m not even doing anything illegal.” It’s a GOOD FEELING to know that I can take care of myself. I love my inexpensive furniture, my Craigslist chair and my hand-me-downs. But sometimes—because I am part of the Capitalist Machine and happiness is an unstable state and our egos will forever crave moremoremore—I yearn for the clean lines and solid dependability of upscale home-furnishing store Restoration Hardware.
Whenever I feel like doing something completely unproductive in order to miss my many deadlines and obligations, my first stop is RestorationHardware.com. I just stare at all the space and cleanliness and think about how, eventually, we are all going to die. And all I want to do with my limited time on earth is sit on one of those couches that look like a cloud, or stack dictionaries and multiple copies of “War and Peace” on the solid, sturdy bookshelves that remind me of my stalwart father.
I think the desire for quality is universal across all the zodiac signs—but the interesting part is where it varies. Each sign has their own personal preferences and style, and I want to talk about that for a long time, okay?
And, I mean, okay. Everything at Restoration Hardware kind of looks the same (the common trait being fancy), and while I like the idea of neutrals, I need color or intrigue or my Gemini brain short-circuits and I destroy the house like a poorly trained puppy. But, nevertheless, I want it. I want the full-body feel of an armoire that will outlive my children.
And I want you, horoscope junkies, to want this feeling, too.
What Expensive Piece of Home Decor Piece You Are, According to Your Zodiac Sign
Aries – Lugano Modular Leather Customizable Sectional
This couch looks nicer than anything I have ever owned, combined with anything I will ever own. The shape! The wideness of the cushions that ensure I would fully melt into the couch abyss every time my booty makes contact with the supple surface! This couch is vigorously beautiful, not unlike Aries.
Taurus – Khatan Hand-Knotted Mongolian Cashmere Rug
This rug is cashmere. I didn’t even know that was allowed. Look at how plush this is. Can we line my coffin with this? Of all the signs, Taurus can be one of the most decisive in knowing what they want. And that’s this rug. Even that color feels so luxurious, I want to faint on it and sleep for at least two hours.
Gemini – Bristol Round Mirror
Gemini loves to look at themself, and this mirror is round and perfect and I think I want it more than I want children. Yep. I do. The minimalist frame is classy, and there are few to no interruptions of design that can distract Gemini from their unparalleled beauty, grace, intrigue, etc.
Cancer – Velvet & Linen Tufted Quilt & Sham
Ahh, Cancer. As lovers of comfort and the home, could they be anything but velvet bedding? This bedding looks softer than a mother’s loving embrace, and Cancer deserves it. I can practically feel this cover slide across my skiiiiiinnnnn. This belongs in a room full of big, leafy plants and a gigantic TV on which to watch every “Fast and the Furious” movie sequentially.
Leo – Cayden Campaign Trunk Side Table
This trunk side table is as regal as any Leo. It reminds me of pirates and treasure! I could fit, like, so many DVDs in here. Or wait, that’s lame. I could put some blankets or yarn in here. Hide all my dirty books or something. Anyway, this trunk side table cost more than my first car (for real), and is better looking than I ever will be.
Virgo – St. James 55″ Desk
This desk feels like the equivalent of getting an MFA at an accredited university. It would make me a better writer, a better daughter, and I’d suddenly look okay in cold-shoulder tops. Unsurprisingly, Virgo would be this desk. Sturdy with small, delicate details that make this desk a work of art.
Libra – 1930s French Trolley Bar Cart
This gold, mirrored bar cart is so Libra. It matches this sign’s love of flirty extravagance and penchant for entertaining. This bar cart would be an amazing focal point in any room, filled with pretty glass bottles or some cocktail books or whatever. The wheels also make this a valid option for transportation to and from other rooms, as long as you can convince someone to drive you around on it.
Scorpio – Sirene Round Chandelier 65″
This brass and glass chandelier makes me want to solve a murder mystery and wear a flapper dress and also sell a kidney to afford this. This chandelier is so Scorpio—from the fiery tone of the brass to the hypnotic glow of the lights. This piece is an exercise in extremism—and also, it costs $20,000, aka more than my entire net worth. Whooo!
Sagittarius – Organic Ribbed Turkish Bath Rug
These Turkish cotton towels are as decadent as wedding cake and cost about the same amount! Like Sagittarius, these towels are expansive and soft. They are like the Ariana Grande of towels, and I would rather get enveloped by these towels in a warm hug more than a hug from 65% of my friends.
Capricorn – Marble Plinth Cube Side Table
They’re calling this a side table, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a big fuckin’ slab of marble, and they’re charging retail for it. I still dig it, because it reminds me of Michelangelo, and marble is pretty!!! But this item is totally Capricorn—no nonsense, beautiful, utilitarian, and deeply powerful.
Aquarius – Daniela Schweinsberg: Composition in Black & White I
I’m not a huge fan of modern art because I’m a plebe, and I don’t understand it—but this print is gorgeous. It reminds me of Aquarius, a sign that can be not only rebellious and challenging, but also creative and innovative. And yes, like modern art, Aquarius can be a tad impractical. Like, seriously—what is happening? I’m not sure, but I love it. Just like Aquarius.
Pisces – Organic Cotton Velvet Channel Quilt & Sham
This gorgeous bed set is as dreamy as Pisces and the perfect balance of masculine and feminine energy. Pisces is sensitive and lovely, and I can just picture them snuggled up in this bed all cozy with snacks, a good book and absolutely zero monsters under the bed.